step-by-step

Hehe... Finally we manage to get thru' the compulsory 1.5 days course last weekend.. (^_*) We attended it together at setiawangsa.. hiks.. its not that bad actually... i'd manage to exercising my face for laughing and blushing... ahah.. So.. we are now 1 step closer.. hahaha (gelak jahat)... tgl few things to be managed next month... means.. i can used some rest this few weeks.. (june - mid july).. rest to take care of my extra fat ahaha... seriously... i have now 4 friends that gain weight on their wedding day.. huhuhu..
Reason? sbb nervous! some had lose weight (even they're perfectly fit before) but some had gained (bile nervous byk lagi makan)... i'm afraid that i might fall into the second group.. hahaha.. nampak gaye macam ye.. haha... but i can't stop or give up now! yeah! i can do it!! yeah! hehe... (sbb puase hari ini.. so kenela eksyen sket.. =p)

I agreed with the purpose of this course.. yelah.. even if we'd knew each other for 10 years (in my case - 2 years).. there are still other things that need to be taken into account before we walk down the aisle (or.. before the akad.. even before the guy came for the merisik meminang whatsoever)..
i guess the difficult part would be to adjust ourselves and our different point of view... nama pun lain jantina.. mestilah we have our own point of viewkan... hehe.. i'm a steel-stoneheaded (ade ke perkataan ni).. if i knew i'm on the right side/path.. i wud 'berjuang' bermati-matian mempertahankan my stand without actually taking care of what he might feel.. huhuuu... the main thing... kene belajar kawal mulut.. even talak is not in woman's hand, yet we still have to control our mouth and behaviour from provoking the man.. isk..

honestly.. being 'the-over-thinking-me', i always wonder if he'd made the right decision choosing me.. haha.. how insecure i am right.. hurm... is it just me or every brides-to-be feels the same way?


- hidup tak boleh mcm sepasang lampu ni... sorang nyale sorang gelap... tak balance...
both must have the sparks to make it successful.. kan?

Bertepatan dengan mood kursus, i'd came across this interesting fact from one of blog i read...
"Men and women perceive the same world through different eyes."

• A man sees things and objects and their relationship in a spatial way, as though he was putting the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle together.
• Women literally take in in a bigger,wider picture and see the fine detail, but the individual pieces of the puzzles and their relationship to the next piece is more relevent than their spatial positioning.
• Male awareness is concerned with getting results,achieving goals,status and power,beating the competition and getting efficiently to the bottom line. >> true! that's why.. setiap kali mengadu.. instead of being a gud listener (keep quite and agreed with everything we said).. he'll offer the solution.. "cuba u mcm ni.. bla bla.. habis citer.. xyah pikir2.." =P
• Female awareness is focused on commucnication, co-operation,harmony,love sharing and our relationship to one another. > uhuks!

(Why men don't listen and women can't read map by Allan+Barbara Pease)

"FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER by Dov Heller, M.A."

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: 'We're in love'; I believe this is the ..1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound 'not politically correct', there's a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: 'You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone'; You need a lot more!!!
>>> it's takes a lot to step into this new stage.. we can't just simply jump into the marriage life (like in the movies).. but for me.. love doesn't have to come later... in some cases (especially in today's life) we have to be in love with our partner before we can agreed to this commitment... we wud like to at least know the other half first before we agreed to be married to that person... huhuh... yes, ur partner can be introduce by ur friends/parents and u can be matched by ur parent or kene kawen pakse... but still... u might want to at least once met the partner.. right?

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together?
You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2)you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart. (serious??!!)
To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life!
Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing. >> yes... you can have different interest and point of view.. yet you still need one thing in common- the purpose of life.. yes... especially anything related in religion and life goal... huhu.. or at least we make it clear to our partner.. so that he/she could understand..

QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust i.e. trust that I won't get 'punished'; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.
A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings.. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.
>>> Totally agreed!! communication is definitely vital in relationship... tanyela sesiapa pun.. even the penceramah pun agreed... communication is really important... the wavelength must be at the same level.. hehe... or at least we need to adjust it to the same level...

QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a mensch? (apekebende nye mensch?)
Sila baca...A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as 'someone who is always striving to be good and do the right ';. So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.
There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and (2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle. >> for me... personal growth is more better than seeking comfort..

QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self absorbed?
To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation?
If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that someone, who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.
>> agreed.. agreed... agreed... tak kene bayar pun bersopan santun nih... hehe... not only parents and the elders... tapi.. also to animals.. hehe..

QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to 'improve'; them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it: 'You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse' If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous.
The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. >>> ya.. jangan memasang niat untuk merobah pasangan anda ya.. rakan2... coz, not only it can't be happening.. he/she might tend to rebel.. and be hypocrite just to shut ur mouth.. hehe.. tapi kalau depada pemalas kepada lebih rajin or depada pengotor jadi pembersih tu takpela... punyelah taknak ubah bini/laki... terpakse idup mcm dlm tongkang pun sanggup.. hehe... =P

Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself trouble because you didn't do your homework.
Another perspective...There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.
Pay attention...Which ones lift and which ones lean?

• Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
• Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?
• When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?
• Which ones don't appreciate you?
• Which ones make you feel good, praises you, boosts you with loving and caring words or annotations.

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.
An African proverb states, 'Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye'; Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really that important.

• Do you bring out the best in each other?
• Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control?
• What do you bring to the relationship?
• Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?
• You can't take someone to the altar to alter them.
• You can't make someone love you or make someone stay. >> true enuff..

If you develop self esteem, spiritual discernment, and 'a life'; you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:
1. TRUST >> ya.. abeh.. kalau tak percaye die mau percaya siapa lagi... takkan pak guard ikea kot?
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY >> err..
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR >> keh keh keh.. slalu masuk salah timing... =P
5. SHARING TASKS >> yuk! yuk! yuk! paling betul.. hak hak hak...
6. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes,etc.)
7. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS >> yupe.. even tak perlu same sumer interest.. but how we tolerate with each other's yang penting...
8. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE >> betul! mcm citer kat item psl compete tu sumer...
9. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT >> ye perlu tau!
10. CONCERN AND CARE FOR YOUR LOVER IN YOUR OWN WAYS. >> ye ye saye paham... =P

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace.